The Absolute Bottom 50...


  1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD. Thou shalt have no other jealously insecure cloud-dwelling superheroes before me.
  2. Thou shalt not create graven images of any pre-teen hotties named Mary, to whom, at some later date, I may opt to slip a celestial roofie and knock up.
  3. Thou shalt remember and keep the Sabbath day, lest holy broadcasts of professional football go unwatched.
  4. Thou shalt honor first the lamb, and be blessed with mad yarn.
  5. Thou shalt honor thy messenger Moses, lest thy face be molested by ravenous beard fleas.
  6. Thou shalt not abort any "rape baby" unto whom I have bestowed divinely hideous deformities.
  7. Speaking of which, thou shalt not laugh at retards.
  8. Thou shalt not assume I give a crap about thy bills, dreams, or daughter's Leukemia.
  9. Thou shalt not fear the reaper, dude.
  10. Thou shalt not hock lugies from the summit of Mt. Sinai.
  11. Thou shalt not lend credence to sunstroke hallucinations involving flaming shrubbery that speaks.
  12. Thou shalt not smell thy finger.
  13. Thou shalt purchase each successive edition of my gripping page-turner The Holy Bible, lest it be outsold by Dianetics.
  14. Thou shalt smite first, and ask questions later.
  15. Commandment #6, Addendum A: Yes, the Butt Counts.
  16. Commandment #6, Addendum B: Yes, Oral Too.
  17. Commandment #6, Addendum C: Yes, Also Handjobs & Finger-Boning.
  18. Thou shalt not wager on a four-chariot trifecta.
  19. Thou shalt sell no oversized jugs of rancid wine before its time.
  20. Thou shalt not permit thy wife to don snug dungarees which accentuate the slatternly contours of hirsute lady lips.
  21. Thou shalt nuke the pharaohs.
  22. Thou shalt not drill manhole as with ladyhole: it is an abomination – lest thou art a duly licensed and accredited urology practitioner conducting biannual prostate exams – with gloves.
  23. Thou shalt not question embarrassingly silly anachronisms.
  24. Thou shalt not feel superior about giving a bum caked in his own vomit seven pennies, a dime, and a bottle cap.
  25. Thou shalt wear comfortable, desert-friendly walking sandals.
  26. Thou shalt not invoke my name during the daily smoking of righteous doobage.
  27. Thou shalt not create eddies in thy chi meridians which disharmonize the color dance of thy chakra.
  28. Thou shalt grovel helplessly before my self-purported, yet non-verifiable omnipotence.
  29. Thou shalt not use my name to sell protein pancake mix.
  30. Thou shalt not rock out to thine iPod in public.
  31. Thou shalt not hate uponst the player of the game, but rather the game unto which the player dispels his play. Yo.
  32. Thou shalt not trim thy cracked, discolored toenails in thy cubicle whilst blasting Hot97 FM during business hours.
  33. Thou shalt not envy the mighty girth of thine oxens' loins.
  34. Thou shalt not disappear without explanation from the exam room for 45 minutes whilst I sit naked on the crinkly paper with nothing to read.
  35. Thou shalt not trade in instruments engineered for the wanton dispensing of Pez.
  36. Thou shalt not masturbate to carvings of Cleopatra.
  37. Thou shalt not traffic in live Phish recordings.
  38. Thou shalt not forgo the leather interior option purely in the hopes of scoring with hot chicks from PETA.
  39. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife's haircut.
  40. Thou shalt not savagely murder others purely for believing in some different, non-Christ-flavored invisible man.
  41. Thou shalt honor thy huckster televangelist.
  42. Thou shalt at least try not to be such a total dick all the time.
  43. Commandment #5, Addendum A: Except for Lethal Injection, Stoning, Cluster Bombing, and "Old Sparky."
  44. Thou shalt not secretly wonder when Dakota Fanning turns 18.
  45. Thou shalt not congeal into whiny, xenophobic racial and ethnic mega-cliques.
  46. Thou shalt not separate state from church without funneling tax-free billions to my salvation franchises through "Faith-Based" money laundering schemes.
  47. Thou shalt not exploit these commandments to extort 10% net income from insecure sheep who fear the meaningless inevitability of death.
  48. Thou shalt swallow the blue pill.
  49. Thou shalt not revise these commandments to accommodate thine ongoing systematic floutings thereof.
  50. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manslave, nor his maidslave, nor his cattle, nor anything into whose pleasure holes he may jimmy his fleshy staff of male entitlement.