> CONSPIRACY THEORIES <
- Ronald Reagan's second term was the inspiration for Weekend at Bernie's 2.
- TWA Flight 800 landed safely... in 1954.
- The noble gases of the periodic table are not noble at all, but a bunch of sleazy bastard plasmas.
- The "Director's Cut" version of The Ten Commandments includes four additional, never-before-seen commandments.
- Procter & Gamble executives celebrate Satan's power by drinking flaming shots of Pantene«
- Princess Diana was assassinated by NAMBLA.
- Sesame Street's Big Bird exudes an affable, nice-guy nature to conceal his true, deep-down, serial ritualistic murderer self.
- Playing Eminem's Marshall Mathers EP backwards reveals an unabridged audio transcript of the Equal Rights Amendment.
- Romans didn't kill Christ. The Klingons did.
- Adolph Hitler enjoyed a lucrative post-war career as a corrupt Brazilian pool boy.
- Everyone was afraid of Virginia Woolf – that's how she got published.
- Delaware is a hallucination.
- Steven Spielberg gets his "through the eyes of a child" inspirations by drinking the blood of children.
- Chicago's water has been spiked with LSD since the '68 Democratic Convention.
- Under cover of night, stealthy mobs of ninja homosexuals beautify your neighborhood.
- PETA members routinely supplement their protein-deficient diets with steaming casseroles of human cuticles!
- Strom Thurmond prefers "dark meat."
- Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorced over "divergent careers."
- The Unabomber was driven to madness by Coleco Electronic Quarterback handheld football.
- The women of MAXIM Magazine are painstakingly retouched, dewrinkled, deveined, and artificially thinned in Photoshop - PRIOR to having their pictures taken.
- The mysterious CIA black helicopter squadron is commanded by Airwolf's Ernest Borgnine.
- Corn kernels contain alien biosensors capable of passing through the body intact.
- Log Cabin Republicans secretly coerced confirmation votes in support of John Ashcroft's hunky ass.
- Bill Gates cheats on his wife by hacking in to teenaged girls' computers and reading their love poetry!
- The amazing products of Ronco are actually surplus CIA technologies.
- Blockbuster Video devotes 10% of all profits to the Titanium Hymen Society.
- 2001's California energy crisis was actually due to escaped Gremlins from San Francisco's Chinatown.
- Lee Harvey Oswald fiercely resented Kennedy's hairline.
- Pop Rocks and Pepsi killed grandpa
- "Tourette's Syndrome" is just smart people having fun.
- Frank Purdue suppressed irrefutable evidence that chickens compose hauntingly beautiful film scores.
- Deployment of the International Space Station project has been delayed by the mischievous poltergeist of Christa MacAuliffe.
- Alan Greenspan is an idiot savant who counts on his fingers.
- Post-coital smoking killed the dinosaurs.
- Nobody wins Lotto.
- The Tooth Fairy resells molars at $3.50 a pop.
- The Trix Rabbit uses reverse psychology to instill sugar-cereal-desire in children.
- A gluttonous, drug addled, and enraged Elvis Presley choked to death while trying to swallow his slumbering wife Priscilla.
- Department store animatronic Christmas displays are bristling with surveillance equipment.
- While you're away, The FBI sneaks into your home and roots through your old Hustlers.
- That wasn't Elizabeth Taylor accepting the 1960 Best Actress Academy Award – it was really a pill-popping J. Edgar Hoover in full drag.
- Lyle Lovett was the inspiration for Chia Pets
- Walt Disney personally rigged the Florida elections from his subterranean bunker far beneath Epcot Center.
- A tipsy Richard Nixon took the famous photo of a naked John and Yoko cuddling in bed.
- The Billboard Top 40 are determined by intense late-night games of "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
- Watergate snitch "Deep Throat" and "Deep Throat" star Linda Lovelace were in fact one and the same.
- Sportscaster Bob Costas is really cutting-edge claymation.
- Hillary Clinton didn't kill Vince Fosterů Chelsea did.
- Barry Manilow didn't write the songs. He didn't even really sing them.
- Eric Clapton pushed that kid out the window.