Menu Books WHITE HOUSE INC. EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

The Absolute Bottom 50...

EVIL GENIUS
DEATHTRAP SPEECHES

  1. "In exactly one hour, a powerful suppository will be injected into the anus of the elephant suspended above you. By the time my lesbian ninjas have outed the president, you'll be buried under a thousand pounds of dung!"
  2. "And since you'll be driven stark raving mad by the Mr. Softee jingle within seconds, I might as well tell you that in five minutes, I plan to reveal to the world that professional wrestling is… fixed!"
  3. "Before my slavishly devoted gorilla 'Charles' inflicts a fatal wedgie upon you, I'll have you know that I've secretly replaced all of American Idol's contestants with… even less talented doubles!"
  4. "Mine! The world's supply of the revolutionary hair removal gel Nad'sTM is mine! ALL mine! And all you can do is pray that my toothless, geriatric great white shark gums you to death quickly!"
  5. "I hope you're not afraid of the dark, because once I seal you inside this barrel of singing maggots, you'll LEARN how to be afraid. Oh yes. It will be quite an education."
  6. "I don't expect you to talk – I expect you to die! But all I have is this length of dental floss, a boot, and a tray of deviled eggs, so it will take TIME! BUT YOU WILL DIE!"
  7. "If you don't tell me EXACTLY each of the 11 secret herbs and spices, then I will be forced to make you wear this sandpaper thong and live La Vida Loca until your thighs explode!"
  8. "See how my laser cuts this delicious rump of corned beef into succulent, paper-thin slices? Think about what that would do to your shoes, or your glasses, or yes, even that prized belt-buckle of yours. There are no depths to which I won't plunge in order to get what I want!"
  9. "I can see you're very hungry, Ms. O'Donnell. And you're only going to get hungrier. So now's the time to ask yourself: which cheeseburger is flame-broiled and which is flame-enabled?"
  10. "Before we administer the 20 gallon enema of boiling mercury, I just want you to know what a real thrill it's been working with you. I really admire your professionalism."
  11. "Yes, this forced viewing of the nonstop 'Gimme a Break' marathon WILL slowly liquefy your cerebral cortex! And let it stand as a lesson to all interlopers who dare futz with my remote control settings!"
  12. "One by one I will cut off your appendages and fax them to the police – and while their backs are turned, that pair of old sneakers dangling from the power lines will be MINE!"
  13. "At the end of the pendulum is a crisp new sheet of oak tag which, when it reaches your bare torso, shall paper-cut you to your doom!"
  14. "While my fashion-victim assistant Repulso forces you to model the entire spring line of the Skidz collection, I'll be successfully pilfering the city's entire supply of SnackWells!"
  15. "Um, you stand over there and die and shit, and I'll, um, you know… be all evil."
  16. "While your entire body is coated with Wite-Out, causing your pores to suffocate, you'll be powerless to stop my assault on our nation's patio furniture industry!"
  17. "You won't dare to be seen in public with that temporary tattoo of a butt on your forehead, leaving me free to shoot my way onto the set of Hannity and Colmes and sing my original song, 'Love is a Mile of Smiles!'"
  18. "They all said I was mad! They were fools! Unless they meant mad about 'smores, in which case I stand corrected."
  19. "The industrial-strength Metamucil tablet I dropped into your wine will keep you on the toilet just long enough for me to transmit my evil message to every last nefarious ham radio operator on earth!"
  20. "So ends our deadly game of emu and platypus..."
  21. "This is the compound where I hunt the most dangerous game of all: man. I'd hunt bunnies, but they're just too cutesy-wutesy! Isn't that right, Mr. Snuggles? Isn't that right? 'Oh yes it is!" says Mr. Snuggles!"
  22. "Now if you behave, I'll let you, in a twist of irony, push me into the very vat of boiling cranberry sauce into which I intended to push YOU!"
  23. "Citizens of the world: this is your new tyrant speaking. Make me a sandwich, please."
  24. "These Chihuahuas were abandoned at birth and raised by piranhas. They'll start at your toes and by the time they've finished, the entire world will be dancing to my evil polka!"
  25. "Before nailing you to this cross, Mr. Christ, I just want to let you know that this rag-tag little cult of yours is but a passing fad!"
  26. "Before this giant Ginsu knife turns you into sushi, I'll have you know that the Prime Minister is at this very moment being photographed with his illicit harem of gerbils!"
  27. "Before I lower you into the cage of fork-tongued telemarketers, I'll have you know that I've removed the caffeine from the world's supply of Mountain Dew!"
  28. "At the stroke of midnight, this pit of Rice Krispies will begin slowly filling with milk. While you're being snapped, crackled, and popped to death, my robots will be at the UN – flushing every toilet at the same time!"
  29. "Once and for all, Mr. Claus, I was not "naughty" in 1993. Your impudence is intolerable – which is why my operatives are at this very moment ensuring that a homemade explosive awaits your fat ass in every chimney in Cincinnati!"
  30. "Before you take the stage tonight, I shall broadcast your true ages and sexual orientations to the audience, and watch in glee as you are angrily trampled by hordes of dejected adolescent girls!"
  31. "As I watch your plasticized form disintegrate in the Orange Crush acid bath, I'll shout from the rooftops, 'It's over LaToya! Now it is I who wear the gilded crown of ultimate freakishness!'"
  32. "I may not be evil, and I may not be no genius, but I sure as hell won't stand by while Mister 'I need to see some I.D.' makes a fool outta me and my girls! Fry, you sumbitch! Fry!"
  33. "You and your little Brooks-Brothers-wearing, investment banker buddies won't last long when I tie you up and feed you to the jackals in the unemployment line!"
  34. "Before I seal all the exits to this Kenneth Cole, I'll have you know that the store is full of punks whose drugs will wear off just in time for them to note their surroundings, become agitated, and attack you and your floor managers with high-priced leather belts and messenger bags!"
  35. "Within minutes, the cows will have licked through your salt chastity harness to the tender flesh beneath. Meanwhile, my armies of halibut will mass beneath Ice Station Zebra to deliver the final death blow!"
  36. "As these giant, congested bronchial tubes smother you in a mentholated wheeze, know that my jock-strapped zitherists are forcing an impromptu and very fatal concert on the Washington Mall!"
  37. "Contemplate, as the magnesium 'grandmother' knits you into a tea-cozy of blood, the triumph of my Doomsday Lotto, filling millions of cards with violently useless numbers!"
  38. "Your aerobicized deltoids are no match for my cable empire, you aging tart! I'll tomahawk-chop that smile right off your face!"
  39. "As I deposit you in the wilds of the Serengeti, allow me to remind you that gazelle are not as friendly as they appear! Especially… MUTANT gazelle!"
  40. "Just because I wear hemp clothing doesn't mean I'm a nice person, so lay off the groveling and die at the hands of this poisoned mochaccino, Yuppie Scum!"
  41. "Before your head sinks below the surface of the vat of oatmeal, I'll have you know that I've replaced the fine coffee normally served at Dunkin' Donuts with… LIQUID CRACK!"
  42. "Finally… all the glitz and glory that is Atlantic City is mine, Mr. Trump. And now my hunchbacked lackey Steve will spin the Roulette Wheel of Death to which you're hopelessly tied. C'mon lucky Red 9! Death By Tickles! Death By Tickles!"
  43. "Before duct taping your face to this concert speaker, and imploding your brain with a high-decibel Muzak rendition of the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, my Mechanical Menace will hypnotize a generation of teens and force them all to eat Pop Rocks and pound Jolt cola at the same time!"
  44. "What a fine banquet you're about to prepare, Mr. Lagasse. But won't the guests be surprised when they find out their meals are made from human fat? Your fat? Bwah-ha-ha! Intrepid henchman! Seal the lid to the giant George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine… and don't forget to collect his sizzling drippings!"
  45. "And now, Ms. Somers, before I throw the switch that will render you forever allergic to peroxide, let me be the first to congratulate you on your lovely new fifty pound THIGH CELLULITE implants!"
  46. "But before you suffer punitive banishment to the farthest reaches of the employee parking lot, feel free to beg futile forgiveness for having DARED touch my Swingline stapler!"
  47. "And while you're rotting in an unmarked pauper's grave, know that I'll be living large on your forfeited billion dollar ransom of untraceable Wal-Mart coupons!"
  48. "I apologize for seeming rushed… my giant robot with nuclear warhead-tipped nipples needs a quick tune-up. But I think the seventeen sticks of dynamite I've lit and taped to your ass, plus the closing walls of spikes, should kill you dead enough. Don't you?"
  49. "And if you so much as even THINK about escaping, then act on that thought, and succeed spectacularly, your actions will no doubt delight the summer blockbuster test audiences who consistently thrill to cringe-inducingly hackneyed plot structures!"
  50. ".... oh, forget it. Just go home, before I change my mind."