The Absolute Bottom 50...


  1. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you grind it lasciviously against me?
  2. I have a theory that if we go to your place, have anonymous sex, and part ways in the morning without even saying goodbye, it would be totally great. Care to test my theory?
  3. Was your daddy a grocer? Because it seems to me like there's a pair of plump, ripe cantaloupes implanted in your breasts.
  4. Ever spend any time at the Neverland Ranch?
  5. Can I call you Deep-Fat Frier? Because you SIZZLE.
  6. If they had a MENSA for sexiness, I bet you'd be really, really smart.
  7. Aren't you that kid my big brother used to throw dog shit at?
  8. Check out this torso – it's ribbed… for her pleasure.
  9. Hey Big Boy – wanna play father figure to my three unruly teens?
  10. Did I mention that I breed ferrets as a hobby?
  11. Do you have a vagina in those pants?
  12. Do you like New England clam chowder? Really? I do too.
  13. You look like the kind of girl that doesn't make men pay for sex.
  14. You know, the storage closet in this place rents by the quarter-hour…
  15. Let me tell you, after six beers I'll go to bed with ANYONE…
  16. Wanna blow this place and check out a kegger under the railroad bridge?
  17. Don't be alarmed – this 30 year-old virgin isn't as desperate as he looks.
  18. If you were a 39th-level Magic User, with the ability morph, engaged in one-on-one combat with Alfracadar, King of the Orcs, I wouldn't suggest rolling to change to a more fearsome shape – but rather dazzling him with your natural beauty, which is plentiful.
  19. I'm what they call the pretty pretty princess in her dirty, dirty underwear.
  20. If I looked up the word beautiful in the dictionary, I bet your picture would be there, except that I'd look up your name instead of beautiful, and it wouldn't be a dictionary, but your high school yearbook.
  21. Sweet prosthetic. Wanna stump?
  22. Bonjour cherie! Regardez la pomme de terre dans mes bluejeans.
  23. I'll make out with that hot girl sitting next to you if that will make you happy.
  24. It's weird, but you totally remind me of this hermaphrodite who lived in my dorm.
  25. If you're good, I'll show you a little something I like to call "The Booger Finger"
  26. My mom says I'm the best kisser in the neighborhood.
  27. Hey beautiful – what say you cook me dinner for 40 years while I watch football on the couch?
  28. So if you ask really nicely, I'll write my initials on your neck – totally in hickies!
  29. You look just like the cyborg I'm building in my basement!
  30. How about I crack you over the head with a club and drag you home by the hair?
  31. You haven't partied until you've partied with a polka band!
  32. So, are you into cutting?
  33. Don't be deceived by this 60 inch waist – I know how to boogie!
  34. Wanna smoke some crank and hump till noon tomorrow?
  35. Want to go back to my place? I have digital cable and half a box of zinfandel.
  36. Hey! You live across the parking lot from me. I know this because of my telescope. Maybe you could come over sometime and we could watch your dog lick ramen broth off your cooter.
  37. You remind me of my uncle who had to go away for awhile.
  38. Let's play house. You can be the screen door – and I'll walk right through you when I get drunk.
  39. What's a nice gay boy like you doing in an Elks Club bingo parlor like this?
  40. Is that a cheese log in your pants, or is your ass sweating crushed walnuts?
  41. I've never been married, but I swear you look like my first wife.
  42. Bitchin' funeral, right?
  43. Pardon me… has the crotch buffet opened yet?
  44. My heart has deflated! Quick – the inflation nozzle is in my left nipple.
  45. Check it toots: Daddy wants to ROCK YOUR WORLD.
  46. You look familiar – haven't I stalked you before?
  47. Is that a distended bladder – or are you just glad to see me?
  48. Maybe it's all the beer talkin', but I would LOVE to vomit on your bedside table tonight.
  49. Do you find duct tape erotic?
  50. Baby, I'd drag my pecker through a mile of broken glass just to pick the corn out of your shit.