The Absolute Bottom 50...


  1. "Yeah?" says the meter maid. "You should see me when I'm clog-dancing topless!"
  2. So the moral of the story is, never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician!
  3. So the Texan says to the Greenpeace volunteer, "Wanna go make out behind Fuddruckers?"
  4. The next day, the big-city businessman calls the emu farmer and says, "I want my money back! Every time we get in the shower together, she starts molting!"
  5. And so the blonde says, "DeGaulle's hyperbole was merely a smokescreen obscuring the fundamental flaws that marked this healing society's desperate clamber back up the ladder of greatness."
  6. And so the Irish guy says, "I was so busy eating potatoes and listening to U2, I forgot to get drunk!"
  7. "If you think that's good, wait till you see the floor show – which will no doubt be more outrageous than the incredibly outrageous thing that just preceded it!"
  8. So the personal injury attorney says, "Ha! Even the prostitute imprisoned in my basement dungeon could do better than that!"
  9. And so Phil Lesh says, "Duuuuude! That wasn't Jamaican Gold – it was a pile of my bunion shavings!"
  10. "Look, I'm still a dog. Just because I speak and hang out at bars doesn't mean I can't feverishly lick the sweat from my own balls."
  11. So the farmer's daughter goes, "Pa's been sucked into the thresher!"
  12. "Asthma? But I thought you said you would run away with me!"
  13. "What paté? This is my stool sample."
  14. Then the doctor says, "OK, now it's MY turn to cough!"
  15. So Johnny says, "At least my cancer's in remission, Mister Malignant Tumor-Pants!"
  16. Then Bea Arthur says, "You'll never know raw passion until you've slithered between Estelle Getty's soft and wanting thighs."
  17. "Two! One to hide INSIDE the cardboard box and one to secrete!"
  18. That's when President Bush starts shouting, "Filibuster me harder, Senator Fuckhorse!"
  19. "Achhk, you bahhhhhstaaard! That's not me bagpipe!"
  20. The moral of the story is: Don't count your lesions before you scratch.
  21. That's when the redneck says, "You yankee college students sho' is dumb to buy this here goat gin when there ain't no such thing!"
  22. "Well captain, you told me to keep the cockpit clean!"
  23. And the mother superior starts screaming, "Okay, whose nipples are whistling?!"
  24. "Then the fat cannibal turns to the skinny one and goes, "I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition to the recipe."
  25. "I don't care how hard-up you are, nobody masturbates to the Pottery Barn catalog."
  26. "That's no woman! That's my wife! My wife the circus gorilla!"
  27. "For a deaf/mute quadriplegic, you sure can sure sing and dance like a rhinestone-bejeweled Broadway angel!"
  28. Then Desi goes, "Look, Lucy – I just hear little Communist voices – I don't 'splain 'em."
  29. So Jesus turns to Judas and says, "Why do you always have to be such a castrating bitch?"
  30. "I'm not a serial killer. I just stalk people parked in their cars, indiscriminately kill and mutilate them, then scamper away into the darkness."
  31. The Judge Adjutant General, now visibly agitated, responds, "Yeah, well your mother offers her loins to the sexually ravenous the way a butcher advertises rumps, flanks, and rib-eyes in the window of his store."
  32. "Dalai Lama, Dolly Parton – there's a difference?"
  33. The third cowboy remains silent, stirring the coals with his 8 foot long, petrified blue whale phallus.
  34. "Mom... um... remember that huge band aid you gave me for my sore? I think I lost it in that big pot of beef stroganoff you made for your boss in hopes of getting that big promotion."
  35. [See Kant, "Critique of Pure Reason," pg. 79, paragraph 3.]
  36. And so Snow White says, "Prince, shmince... I catch you crotch deep in a pool of horny Dwarves again and I'll finish eating the damn poison apple!"
  37. "That's no lady, that's Maury Povich!"
  38. And then Icarus says, "Fly?!! I thought you said let's get HIGH!?!?"
  39. And the pigeon was like, "Hey man, don't be getting' all up in my guano!"
  40. And so the rabbi looks at the priest and asks, "Do all Catholics wear bacon Speedos?"
  41. So the waiter says, "Madam, that's not a fly in your soup – it's a tiny, tightly-woven spool of pubic hair."
  42. So the precinct commander says, "Cocaine? Tastes like regular old angel dust to me!"
  43. And so the drunk shouts, "Laugh at me if you want, but let me remind you that you're all overgrown, emotionally stunted adolescents who can't make an informed, adult decision or even honestly face the wasteland of your pathetic life without filling your eyeballs with enough beer and liquor as to distort these painful facts."
  44. "Forget the honeymoon, the alimony will give me a better screwing!"
  45. And the first guy says, "Note to self: no more urinary bleeding!"
  46. And so she decided to start dating the poet.
  47. And then Osama says, "Omar! The next time you sit on my prayer rug, at least have the decency to wipe the camel dung off your sandals!"
  48. And so Vanna White says to Mother Theresa, "At least I'm not a Negro!"
  49. "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
  50. When I said, "tea bag," I meant like the hot, invigorating beverage!