The Absolute Bottom 50...


  1. The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted English muffin
  2. The Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita
  3. The Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce
  4. The Dennis Miller: Washed-up seafood and bitter greens on thick crusty sourdough
  5. Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines
  6. The Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns
  7. The Dan Quayle: Mongolian sucker fish cutlet on potatoe bread
  8. The Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel
  9. The Martha Stewart: Rosemary-marinated boar's anus, charbroiled to perfection, on homemade nine-grain peasant gulag waffles
  10. The Barbara Walters: Sun-dried pheasant jerky and Revlon sauce on sourdough flatbread
  11. The O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood pudding on a pan-seared Gucci glove
  12. The Bette Midler: Wind beneath my roadkill wings, on a stale saccharine challah
  13. The Dan Rather: Sumptuous Geritol cutlets, slathered in tangy liberal mustard and wedged between two crusty slices of Alzheimer's baguette
  14. The Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed, dolphin-safe tuna on bubblegum muffin
  15. The Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake
  16. The Sally Struthers: Bison tartare on a glazed donut
  17. The Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread
  18. The Charlton Heston: Venison burger on white bread with Moses sauce and side of buckshot
  19. The Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce
  20. The Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish
  21. The George Hamilton: Seared Naugahyde on toasted pumpernickel with a cocoa butter coulis
  22. The John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich
  23. The Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust
  24. The Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread
  25. The Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast
  26. The Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices
  27. The Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns
  28. John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun
  29. The Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns
  30. The Elizabeth Taylor: Open-faced mink filet on sponge cake, smothered in cubic zirconium béarnaise
  31. The Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant
  32. The Vanna White: Whipped toothpaste and vanilla-flavored lard, gently ensconced in a delicately flavorless crepe
  33. The Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll
  34. The Robert Downey, Jr.: Marinated psylocibin mushrooms and methadone cheese on Spoon-cooked flatbread
  35. The Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell
  36. The Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita
  37. The Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills
  38. The Alec Baldwin: Asshole ham, asshole cheese, asshole lettuce on an asshole piece of bread
  39. The Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia
  40. The Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes
  41. The Frank Sinatra: Pureed martini olives on communion wafers, garnished with bloody Chicklets
  42. The Jeff Bezos: A piece of moldy lettuce wrapped in a fancy advertisement for a delicious, juicy corn beef sandwich
  43. The Wolfgang Puck: Sliced Spam and Velveeta, smothered with Miracle Whip and nestled between two freshly toasted Berry-Berry Pop-Tarts
  44. The George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla
  45. The George Clooney: Beaver on rye
  46. The Kate Moss: Cottage cheese and ipecac syrup on rice paper
  47. The Bea Arthur: Potted meat and mint jelly on Matzo bread
  48. The Clay Aiken: Poached gelatine patty on soft-baked fruit bread
  49. The Dick Cheney: Pressure-cooked chicken heart and Caesar dressing on super-secret recipe crown loaf
  50. The Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread