The Absolute Bottom 50...


  1. One time during a concert, Alice Cooper cut open his own abdomen, pulled out his intestines, and totally jumped rope with them!
  2. If you eat Pop Rocks, then drink a whole can of Coke, you'll start belching napalm!
  3. Kentucky Fried Chicken doesn't use real chicken. All their food is really made from an experimental gristle slurry that gets poured into molds around balsa wood "bones" to affect a convincing poultry-like facsimile.
  4. You've heard about how Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen, but the crazy thing is that his brain is kept in a fishbowl that sits atop a giant mechanical spider, from which he continues to run his company with a cruel, arachnid efficiency!
  5. My cousin's old boss knows this nurse at a hospital in Florida, and one time, Richard Gere came in complaining of abdominal pain – and so they looked up his butthole, and there was digested food in there!
  6. American cheese is made from real Americans.
  7. Once, these two kids were making out in a car, and they heard on the radio that this guy had escaped from the lunatic asylum, and that he had a hook for a hand. A second later, they heard a scraping at the door of the car and so they sped away. Later, when they stopped the car, attached to the handle was a bloody hook with a strip of condoms and a pamphlet about safe sex!
  8. This woman bought a dog in Mexico, and they told her it was a Chihuahua, but when she brought it home, she discovered that in reality it was a wire-haired fox terrier!
  9. After the pet rock fad of the 1970s, thousands of New York mothers flushed the unwanted pets down the toilet and they made their way to the sewers and just kind of sat there, at the bottom, slowly eroding.
  10. So when my dad was a kid, there were these people who lived down the street from him, and one night their dog came home with a neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth, and it was dead. And so they were like, "My God! What are we going to do?" So they decapitated their dog, and offered its head to the neighbors as a gesture of apology.
  11. I swear this one's true: the Mikey kid, from the Life cereal commercials, died because he ate some arsenic, and washed it down with cyanide.
  12. A friend of a friend told me that her sister knew this guy who read the "Satanic Bible," went insane, and started to eat roaches. He ate so many roaches they nested in his gut and like, developed an entire civilization!
  13. Not only were Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis the same person in real life – they were also a seven-foot tall Samoan – rendered grotesquely miniature by camera tricks!
  14. "The Phantom of the Opera" is, like, a totally made-up book. But the book was BASED on the "Phantom of the Truck Stop," which is totally true.
  15. Apparently the guy whose job you have was fired after he got caught masturbating in the supply closet with binder clips on his nipples and a fistful of correction fluid!
  16. I heard this one guy say that the brother-in-law of this other dude did a keg stand for 12 hours straight and tapped it completely! And because it was Lite beer from Miller, he became forever irresistible to hot chicks wherever he went and got lots and lots of hot and heavy anonymous poontang action!
  17. This buddy of mine who works in San Francisco – he knows this guy who worked for a DotCom company that wrote a business plan, broke even, cut costs, and is on the road to profitability!
  18. My friend's old girlfriend's sister knows this guy who used to work at Pizza Hut, and he said that when they were making the Cheese Lover's pizzas, they used to put huge shards of broken beer bottles in them!
  19. There was this kid at my cousin's high school, and he shaved off his eyebrows, and when they grew back, they were so soft and manageable, he decided to grow them out and start wearing them up.
  20. Don't open mouth kiss for too long, because the sperm can wiggle up your throat and in her mouth and down her throat to her eggs. IF SHE SLIPS YOU THE TONGUE YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!
  21. Dude, there were never spider EGGS in HUBBA BUBBLE, and there were never spider LEGS in BUBBLE YUM. But there were spider PELVISES found in MARZIPAN in Liechtenstein!
  22. There was this girl in my high school, and everyone called her "Hot Dog," because she liked to, well... you know, and sometimes they'd get a little... stuck. Anyhow, my friend's mom was an ER nurse and came home one night and asked my friend, do you know this girl (name omitted for privacy)? And my friend said yeah why and his mom said that she was there for hours and hours last night 'cause her appendix burst and she died.
  23. Ozzy Osbourne once went on stage, ate a LIVE bat, crapped the bat out, and ate the crap!
  24. You know that girl who played Jan Brady? Well last year, my uncle's fishing buddy's chiropractor was at the mall, and he saw her at a book signing, and she was wearing a cotton sweater!
  25. Dry humping for too long causes a multi-colored, highly contagious, bleeding skin rash that can kill you!
  26. An ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine told me about this girl who ate LSD and was convinced she was a glass of orange juice, but then totally freaked out when she realized she wasn't the variety that is fortified with calcium!
  27. I bumped into the optometrist of the wife of an old neighbor of mine and he said that she said that she overheard her local deli owner talking about how people really shouldn't watch football this Sunday. I'm just saying better safe than sorry, right?
  28. Back in the 80's, there was this one pro football player, and he was using so many steroids, that one night, when he went home and was lifting weights – he turned into a member of the Village People!
  29. This guy I know who was traveling in South America said he knew this alcoholic guy who went to a bar, and was served a drugged drink. He woke up in a bathtub of ice with fresh stitches on his torso. It seems someone had surgically removed his liver, and replaced it with another perfectly healthy one!
  30. My friend told me about this article in the paper: they caught this huuuuge great white shark in Florida - and when they cut it open, like, a whole IKEA living room set fell out!
  31. One time, Keith Richards had done so much heroin, that he went to this leather shop, and they peeled off all his skin in one long pelt, had it tanned, and stitched it into a totally bitchin' pair of pants!
  32. My ex-boyfriend's best friend's sister and her husband went away on vacation to Tijuana one time, and when they came back, their house had been like, mad burgled, and the only things left were their toothbrushes and their really nice camera. Luckily, the insurance took care of most of the loss, but when they finally got the film developed, they were in for a really horrible shock that almost made them sick to their stomachs. In every single one of the photographs, they'd forgotten to set the light meter properly and none of the pictures from their Derby Day party came out very well!
  33. The Christian-Science Monitor did this story about a guy in Texas – and he became a total millionaire by charging people admission to sit in his living room recliner – which had a mustard and ketchup stain that looked exactly like Jerry Falwell and Jesus Christ in a 69!
  34. Get this: E.T. was actually based on a small, gray, wrinkled homeless man with long fingers and a glowing heart who Stephen Spielberg caught rooting through his trash one time.
  35. This chick who works with my best friend claims to know a bartender who served this other chick a drink who says she said that she had just slept with the brother of the assistant to the manager of Huey Lewis's new national tour.
  36. If there's an emergency on Death Row – like no electricity or something – some states have pits of hungry tigers as backup.
  37. Elvis is alive and living in Palm Coast, Florida. He loves Stouffer's boil-in-a-bag Fettuccini Alfredo, The Sopranos, and his curio cabinet of Harry Potter collectibles.
  38. My cousin's friend's mom's hairdresser went to Mexico last spring and brought back this really gigantic cactus for his atrium. Well, one day a few weeks after he got back, he noticed it was kind of swelling and moving. He called his friend and his friend said, "Oh my gosh! You have to get out of there!" He was lucky he did in time, 'cause for no apparent reason, the cactus was stuffed with the rotting, gassy corpse of TV's Hervé Villechaize!
  39. Someone told me this one was in a real published magazine: in an anatomy class at Yale Medical School, this student doctor found a pickle in a jar of penises!
  40. In my hometown there was this guy who tried to kill himself by jumping off a bridge but when he jumped, he landed in a passing yacht filled with young, widowed Swedish nurses and now he lives in Sweden with a harem of gorgeous babes.
  41. There was this girl who dropped out of my aunt's high school back in 1979, and she took a bus to New York City, and got mixed up in the whole Times Square drugs and prostitution scene, and six months later she was dead – from a congenital heart defect!
  42. If you use a towel after your dad, you can get pregnant – but not with a regular kid - with a terrycloth kid with soap dish eyes.
  43. If you get married you'll live happily ever after. (Really you live happily for awhile and then you hate each other. Then you realize you love each other, but usually not at the same time. And then your kid comes in bitching that things aren't fair – cause she's a teenager – and she screams she hates you and runs to her room and you say, "Get your ass down here, dinner's ready!" She says, "I'm going OUT!" and slams the door. She forgets her keys and comes to get them and you laugh in her face and she throws the food you worked your ass off to defrost on the floor. You scream, "That's IT - no college!" She says, "Fine!" You say, "Fine!" Then you take pills and pass out to network sitcoms. You wake up and see an episode that mirrors what just happened and you start crying and call your brat on her celly and she's crying too 'cause she saw it at her friend's. She comes home and you hug and feed her the food you scraped off the floor. Oh yeah, and where the hell is your husband?)
  44. My sister's old boyfriend's exchange student knew this mechanic, and one time he was fixing the back seat in Queen Elizabeth's limousine, and he looked under it, and there were totally all these boogers that she had wiped down there!
  45. When you pledge fraternities, on hell night, they make everyone get totally naked, sit around in a circle, and stitch rug-hook placemats!
  46. There was this guy who used to work in the same office as my brother's friend's mom, and when he left, they looked on his computer, and checked his internet bookmarks, and they were all for kiddie origami sites!
  47. There was a girl and one time she smoked pot by herself and it was laced with angel dust and she got really messed up and thought she could dance, so she danced on "Soul Train" and like made such an ass of herself, that P. Diddy stole some moves from her, cause you know, P. Diddy dances all wack and shit.
  48. If you drink two whole cans of Diet Dr. Pepper through a straw in your nose, you'll totally hallucinate that you're outside flying kites with Maria Shriver!
  49. One time my friend's sister's neighbor said she went to Number One Happy Lucky Szechuan Wonton restaurant, and was eating the General Tso's chicken – and then found a dog paw in it! And the weird part was – there was no MSG in it!
  50. One time this girl I know lost her tampon... like inside – and she didn't realize until she started to you know not feel fresh. So she went to the doctor and he told her she masturbated too much and sewed her vagina shut! That's what can happen!