ASK CHIPPER

Ask me a question!

SUBMIT A QUESTION TO CHIPPER!

Yo dudes! I'm Chipper Johnson. I answer the tough questions and totally set you up with killer advice on all kinds of shit—like chicks, booze, porno, rushing, and foozball. Got a problem? Hit me, bra!

MY NEWEST ADVICE:

Q: Hey Chip! My boyfriend is really into the frat thing, and I thought it was totally cool. But now he only seems interested in partying with his friends and now I'm lonely! What do I do? – Katie

A: WHASSSSSUP, BABE? I guess you were too busy being a typical dumb chick to notice that this is a site for GUYS ONLY. If you want free advice, you should click over to massivelyannoyingpeoplebornwithoutballs.com.

Anyway, you were right: "the frat thing" IS totally cool. What dude wouldn't rather hang with other cool dudes watching sports and playing quarters than with some whiny ho who's always getting her period and crying every time he barfs in her bed? That's why your boy is blowing you off. Well, that, and he's probably grossed out by how you're always eating and have that one part of your body that's way too fat. Dig? Cool.

Oh, and Katie? SHOW US YOUR TITS, SHOW US YOUR TITS!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

– Chipper


MY OLDER ADVICE:

Q: Chipperooni! Our pledgemaster just told us that next week, all thirty Sigma Chi pledges (including me!) have to do something called an "elephant walk" across the main green at midnight—and then he laughed his ass off! Please tell us what it is and how to get ready so we can stop freaking, dude! – A.J.

A: Woo-hoo! Elephant walk! Don't worry, A.J, it's way easy—and totally fun. It works like this: all you pledges strip down buck nekkid, then walk single file like elephants, except instead of holding the tail in front of you, you hold the schlong of the dude behind you—forming a rad human chain of turbo-dudeness!

How to get ready? Simple. First, be sure to wash your package with soap and water, so that whatever brother ends up squeezing your trunk doesn't get a palmload of stanky poontang residue from that passed-out freshman you drilled last week. Second, moisturize your Xbox calluses so they won't scratch your fellow pledge's unit—but not so lotioned-up that he pops a boner in your hand, giving you no choice but to fatally fag-bash him in his sleep.

Like all forms of hazing, the elephant walk is an awesomely important tradition for reaffirming how radically macho you are. And the best part is, next year you get to watch. Have a bitchin' time, Jumbo!


Q: Chipski! Help me out, dude! Last weekend me and eight of my bros were all sittin' around watching "Anal Nation XII" and just choking it, you know? My boy Animal pops his stuff and I look over for a second. I'm still choking it, and he looks over at me, and starts screaming "FAG!" So everyone stops choking it and now they're all treating me funny ever since. I ain't no fag though. What can I do to make them understand? – Straight & Narrow

A: Whoa. You broke one of the cardinal rules—never make eye contact or check out another brother's package during a circle jerk. If you do, it means you're a homo. Really. Get used to it – just don't write me again, Mary.


Q: Chipper, I really dig this girl. How can I get her attention? – J.P.

A: Don't be a wuss, J.P. Look in the mirror and repeat after me: "Who's the fuckin' man? I'M the fuckin' man! Who's the fuckin' man? I'M the fuckin' man!" Then pound some Mad Dog 20/20 and work that bitch, yo!


Q: I've dated my girlfriend for two weeks and she won't "touch" me. What do I do, Chipper? – Big Rich

A: Man, that blows. Take her to a chick flick – then serve up a few lines of crank. If that don't work, drop the dyke and catch yourself a new ho!


Q: Do women appreciate honesty in relationships? – Chuckles

A: Yeah. When she asks, "Am I fat, honey?" you can respond, "Not when you're polishing my sausage, you ain't!"


Q: I want to have anal sex with my woman, but she's disgusted by it. Any suggestions? – Whit

A: Next time you're plowing the field, stop for a second and point in the corner and go, "Yo! What's that???" Then when she looks, sink your tube steak in her poop chute and be all, "Whoops!" Works every time, dude.