HAZING CENTRAL

Hi, my name is Bruce Piston, and if you're reading this, you no doubt value that special bond between man and man that can only be found within the thousands of Greek fraternal organizations that dot our nation's college campuses. Being a man is an important thing, especially if you are born one. And manhood is a precious flower that can only bloom under the right circumstances—specifically, the circumstances arising from the sacred ceremonies known collectively as "hazing."

I attribute much of my success in life to hazing and the life-long friendships I took away from it. And am I successful? You betcha, buddy! As an Associate Sales Representative for the Des Moines branch of CANNED FOOD TRANSPORT QUARTERLY, I make killer commissions and influence the ebb and flow of canned goods at your local grocer. I drive a brand new Accord, own a cutting-edge PDA, and my perky little housewife lets me cum up her nose! Awesome, right? Well you can live this dream too, but it takes hard work. Hard work that begins with the kind of ass-kicking I received as a Little Brother in Kappa Kappa Kappa. From one brother to another—hazing builds character, and that's why I want to pass on to YOU the wisdom of this most sacred of activities between men.

WHAT IS HAZING?
Hazing is the time-tested process of initiation that determines the value of a prospective brother. This screening process ensures that fraternities are supplied with red-blooded, American men—tough, honest, sinewy men. Some people criticize hazing and call it barbaric. I'm here to say: choke on my man steak, you feminist pussies! Hazing usually consists of a week of character-building activities that culminate in the acceptance of the worthy into the brotherhood. Whoever doesn't make it is probably a mama's boy jerk-off. But the extraordinary few who do make it never forget it—and carry it with them into a bright future. Here are some fun tips for your hazing activities:

1. The Paddle
The paddle is one of your most powerful tools. Make sure you spank your Little Brother mercilessly. Raise welts. Spank him hard, but after each spanking, make sure to caress his tender cheeks. Massage the pain away. This builds trust.

2. Drinking Urine
You and the other Big Brothers should always make the Little Brothers drink your urine. Hold at least six beers in your bladder for an hour, so the urine is dark and frothy, then release it directly into your Little Brother's mouth. Make sure he gargles before swallowing, then wipe his trembling mouth afterwards with a musty pair of your skidmarked underpants. If you wish, you may allow him to suckle your finger to make the taste dissipate faster. This will create a sense of loyalty.

4. Watermelon Pleasure
Here's a fun one: heat a watermelon in the oven and core equidistant four holes around its circumference. Wrap it in sheepskin and command the Little Brothers to gang-hump it until they climax. This may be humiliating, sure—but they'll thank you some day. Afterwards, make sure to massage their spent testicles between your fingers. This will enforce a sense of honor.

5. Nipples: The Dials of Manhood
Focus on your Little Brother's nipples: slap them, pinch them, and pull at them. Use clothespins, wrenches, tweezers, or spatulas. Burn them with the tips of your cigarettes. And afterwards, wipe the tears away from the eyes of your Little Brother, wet your thumb and forefinger, and gently rub the sore nipples. This is a perfect way to teach him the value of discipline.

6. Hide and Seek
Inserting objects into a Little Brother's rectum is a tradition that stems all the way back to Prostatus Engorgum and his Unity of Anal Fixation. Keys, whisks, squash racquet handles, boots, bottles, whatever. It may pain him, but it will teach an important lesson: sometimes life hurts. Indeed, the Little Brother might even cry while learning this. He might fight the handcuffs and bleed, but you can diffuse his misery quite easily. Masturbate afterwards and this will show him how proud you are. Upon completion of your self-pleasure, mark him as your territory and he will surely squeal with delight. The two of you have a bond that can never be broken. So crack a beer and hit the sororities, dude!