SOGGY BISCUIT SHOWDOWN

You know the drill—pantless pledges gathered around, each breathlessly racing to make sure he's not the last to spill seed, lest he be the sorry chump forced to wolf down the dreaded Soggy Biscuit. It's a time-tested bonding ceremony, but with so many options in the cracker aisle these days, how's a busy Pledge Master to choose the best starch for his hungry up-and-comers? Well look no further...


PREMIUM®: It may have tradition on its side, but this Hell Week old standard comes up, well, soggy. We found that even under moderate loads of pledge jelly, Saltines had a bummer tendency to liquefy, necessitating consumption via fork and spoon. Lame.
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RITZ® CRACKERS: A longtime favorite on mid-western campuses, we found this buttery classic's good reputation to be well-earned. Testers noted that Ritz maintained its light and flakey texture, despite punishing applications of hot Greek mayonnaise.
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WHEAT THINS®: Sandy Duncan may not know it, but this little cracker of hers just won a seat on the Soggy Biscuit Senate. Earning high points for flavor, density, and carbo-load, little Wheatie here might have been Emperor, if only he weren't such a runt.
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CARR'S® CRACKED PEPPER & SESAME: It may come from the fancy-assed cheese & cracker bin, but Carr's is OK stuff. This is a big, tough cracker—offering acres of real estate that holds up well under high-volume jizz discharge. And pledges report its peppery zing helps cuts down on gagging a full 37%.
RATING:

WINNER!