Naughty young morsels MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: We're such teases!

HUMBERT HUMBERT: Dirty, playful, spunky little teases! What else is on tap for the two of you ripening minxes?

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: Well... we're planning to launch a line of low-calorie frozen pasta dinners, co-write a book of poetry with Maya Angelou, and debut on Broadway in the new musical version of the classic film "Sorority Pillowfight".

HUMBERT HUMBERT: You girls are just... terrific. It's been a pleasure. You're both so... talented... and... well, you make me feel like a giddy schoolboy with an uncomfortably blood-engorged member.


HUMBERT HUMBERT: Tell me... how do you find time to be just a couple of plain-old, million-dollar teen media mogul hotties?

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: We do what any other teen would do! We like to swim in the pool, sun-bathe, and wrestle, and jog in sports bras. You know... hang out in Malibu, do our nails, read business plans.

HUMBERT HUMBERT: So... how old are you two ripening scamps?

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: Eight years old!

HUMBERT HUMBERT: Oh. Well now, my press kit says you just turned a delicious and lementably adult 18.

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: We are delicious! But we're legally eight. Forever and ever! It's legal and binding and everything!

HUMBERT HUMBERT: But you can't stay eight forever... unfortunately...

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: Yes we can! We totally can! Mommy and Daddy say, "As long as you don't get old or fat you can totally have anything you want!"

HUMBERT HUMBERT: So… you both exercise a tremendous amount I imagine. Do you… pump iron together? Do you ever massage each others' sore muscles?


HUMBERT HUMBERT: "Totally" - that's a powerful word. What does "totally" mean to you?

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: It's like a word that makes another whole word mean more, you know? Or it just means…like, "Yeah."

HUMBERT HUMBERT: I see. And would you say massage brings you closer together? As… sisters?

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: Oh yeah! Deep Tissue Massage is at the way way top of our personal list of "Mega-Cool Things That Rule."

HUMBERT HUMBERT: What else is on the list?

MARY-KATEANDASHLEY: John Stamos! He's our favorite Daddy!
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